Right As Rain

it’s amazing how the mind works, or the heart, or whatever. it’s strange how you can be on the verge of a nervous breakdown one moment, and absolutely fine the next.

so here i am. after an enormously long time, finally trying to back in the saddle. and this time i’m actually motivated by some genuine reason – don’t actually know what it is, but i just feel it. no longer that akward feeling that i’m just doing it because i have to – something like taking a drug which is really distasteful, but you take it anyway because you need it. no, this time it’s not a drug, it’s more like a new type of candy. it’s kind of strange at first, i don’t know what to expect… and then after exploring it a little turns out i really like it, and i’d like more and more of it. hmmm, starting to sound a lot like drug addictions.

well that was you. the new type of candy i’d never tried before. starting off with a huge amount of anxiety i find i actually love it. i do need a lot of courage-building at first, but once over the first moment… everything loosens up and i enjoy. it’s fine… you’re fine… and this time not just by comparison, but in yourself, for who you are, for how you are. obviously i light up right away, cause that’s just me, that’s how i am. and it gets more intense with each passing day, it carries me away to some place that to me, after so much time, is no longer familiar. so what to do? i have no idea, i’m so insecure right now, got to watch my step.

the chemistry is there. i feel it going from me, i feel it coming from you. still insecure, though. it’s like one of those beautiful dreams when you’d do anything not to wake up. and i’m really in the midst of the dream right now. it’s not the first time ever, but it is the first time in a while… so it’s practically like a brand new discovery. you’re actually good… way too good… apparently you know all the right things to say. and it really flatters my ego – maybe that was why i lit up so quickly. you know how to put me in situations where i thrive – is it instinctual? random? natural? or is it that you know exactly what you’re doing?

as i am so taken up by everything… my sense of perspective goes straight down the drain. there is just you, and that sweet, cozy feeling i get everytime when we’re together. i need more. it’s been ages since i’ve dreamed. now i have a chance again. so i want it, i want to dream long and hard, i never want to wake up.

i’m lit up, and you’re the fuel powering my flame. the fact that fuel does run out eludes me. i know you’re loving it too… i can’t explain it but it’s there… you call me when i least expect, you say sweet nothings that i can’t remember having heard before. it just has to be mutual… it’s just too good not to be.

then… puff… it’s a blackout. did i step on something? did i touch something i wasn’t supposed to? what the heck just happened? whatever happened, now all hell is breaking loose. my beautiful flame is whithering… and apparently there’s nothing i can do to stop that from happening… i try and i try but it’s useless. seems the fuel is running out, and there aren’t any reserves around. i’m confused, angered, agonized. what to do? try ressuscitation a couple of times, but to no avail. it’s like it’s in a coma… let’s sit and wait until it wakes up.

so i just wait… now, each passing day brings me closer to reason. embracing fatality, i think i’ll just let nature take its course. not without reluctance however. i might still try some last resort measures. it was all too sudden, too fast, i didn’t have time to think at all, or maybe i didn’t want to think this time. but in the meantime i sink ever deeper into the abyss. fortunately for me… this looks rather familiar (i wonder why you always remember the bad times better then the good ones) so i don’t really panic. there’s just that “oh, not again” feeling. like when you’re on plane and go through a void of air… you know it’s gonna end… but it’s un pleasant nonetheless.
resolution comes all of a sudden. it’s like the sun parting the clouds after the storm. just a tiny breach at first, and then a burst of light which brings clarity to everything. it just hit me one night… not doing anything in particular. it’s a word, an image, a still, it’s something so quick that you don’t really acknowledge it, but it just makes everthing right again.

so everything’s at a standstill now. but not me. i’m on my feet. i lay in bed and close my eyes knowing tomorrow will be a beautiful day, if for no other reason except my new found peace of mind. all is right in the world again, my world is perfect and it was never less than that. the next day i wake up with the shining in my face, and i do feel right as rain. it’s like nothing ever happened… actually it did happen, but there was a reason to it. i still don’t know what that reason was, but i do know that everything happens for the best.

i’m just surprisesd at how easy i can get myself worked up, and still be able to let it all go in a flash. rock my world all you will, but i’ll be fine as soon as you stop. it’s just another lesson learned, and next time i’ll do better. and, as always, a reminder: the sun will always shine down on you, and it shines even brigther after the storm.