Redemption

I’m losing it. I’m losing control over my life. This reminds me of the time I gave up sex, dating, and men for a whole year; and it reminds me exactly why I did it. I’m going off balance… and I need to get my balance back. Today, for the first time in my life, I’m ashamed; it’s the first time ever. Promiscuity… a picture from one of Oscar Wilde’s books. I’m one of the noblemen, four hundred years ago, that fooled around with the servants. Only I feel bad about it, my conscience won’t let me sleep tonight, I know it.Today I hooked up with a 20-something guy; he wants to meet. I think I spoke to him some days ago… actually he wanted to hook up the, but I said no. Apparently I had more reason then. This time I go along with it, and I meet him. As it always happens with these hook ups, I’m expecting another big fiasco to add to the never-ending list.So, I finally meet the bastard. Scrawny little one… way shorter than me… kind of skinny… totally unattractive – I would never even consider him if I saw him walking by. So we go into this park… sit around for a bit, smoke a couple of cigarettes. He gets me talking; what’s my story? I lie obviously; not all lies, but still – I can’t speak the truth to someone like him.I’m really fucked up. Hate me, call me fascist, call me whatever you will. I believe in social classes – and I believe they don’t mix. There are just too many boundaries to even consider the thought. Not even my closest friends get me on this – but I’m high class. That’s how it is – I didn’t choose it. Come to think of it, it’s just like being gay – you don’t get to choose it, it just is. It’s just how I grew up. And it’s my own accomplishment that despite all that I’m just normal; I act normal – I’m just like the other kids. I’ll mingle with anyone, I’ll talk to anyone; hey, I’ll even have sex with anyone. But they will never enter my life – unless I find them at my cultural/social level. Don’t get me wrong. I grew up in the country… so I had a pretty simple life. But a prince’s life nonetheless… privileged – that would be the best word. And I’m not talking about money – I never even considered money, although I never missed them; I’m talking about education, about culture, about morals. Of course, being a homosexual man first of all, I’ve had to adapt everything to my personal experience.

Back to the story… Eventually he decides I’m safe, I guess. And we start walking again… and eventually get to an apartment building. We go in, nothing wrong. We get into the elevator, the elevator starts going up – nothing wrong. At one point he stops the elevator and starts kissing me – nothing wrong till here, it’s happened before. The kissing is starting to last an awful long time… and I’m starting to get some questions in my head. Eventually he unbuttons my pants, and takes it out; takes out his as well. Starts jacking me off, I do the same. I’m impressed; but not in a good way. Still, I go along with it; can’t figure out why, not yet. This lasts for a while… I’m aroused – naturally; he’s not a physical freak, so I don’t really have a problem with him touching me. He gets down sucking it… I’m obviously even more aroused; he’s even good at sucking it. I feel obligated to respond – I do it for a couple of moments. Not longer, I can’t. By this time the disgust has reached a climax. The whole thing lasted about 20 minutes I think – I sucked his dick for about two minutes, in total; I couldn’t do more.

At one point he sticks his dick between my legs. Short as he is… it’s just right to tickle me in just the right spot; so I show a grin of pleasure. So the damn bastard thinks I want him to fuck me. Right! Like I’m going to let so scrawny punk, that I just met, fuck me in a dirty elevator?!? A bit later… my conscience is almost getting the best of me. I really want to get this over with it and get the fuck out of there. He turns around hinting me he wants me to fuck him. “You crazy? Without a condom? Get the fuck out?”. “You didn’t bring a condom?” I think to myself “Right! Like I knew I was going to have sex in an elevator?!?”. Well, eventually the whole thing comes to an end, and not a moment too soon. I don’t think I would have handled any more.

We manage to sneak out of the building and he walks me to the subway. Naturally, on the way, he asks what I think about it, about him, who the hell knows what he meant. All I can say is “it was very interesting”. Thank god the subway is near and I lose him quickly. Finally alone… the psychosis rears its ugly head all over again. I feel his smell on my skin, I feel myself smelling like dick, like sex, like something dirty. I rush home; thank god I’m alone; jump into the shower and stand under the water.

Let the water wash away all my sins, all the bad memories, all my mistakes. If I wasn’t so strong and well adjusted, I would have cried. I wanted to cry; I want to cry. I want to roll up in the tub, under the shower, and cry. Instead I call up my best friend – and tell her everything. She’s like… “Big deal, you went to get your dick sucked in an elevator. What’s your problem?” And she’s right; technically it’s true – that’s exactly what I did.

Still I can’t help but feel dirty, think less of myself. That is not who I am – it’s what I told my friend. It was a mistake, and the worst part is that I don’t know why I went along with it. Do I have a problem? An issue? I once read a quote on homosexuality that said something about how two men having sex in a dark alley in the middle of the night is about affirming their masculinity or something like that. Let me tell you I felt no such thing.

So… the conclusion? My god, I really don’t know what to say on this one. It’s just made me realize. I want love. It might sound corny, old-fashioned, and melodramatic even. But I want it, it doesn’t matter. I want to tell him I love him, I want just one good person; and he’ll be enough. Also, in other words… I will never let anyone fuck me again. Not that I’ve let many people so far. But from now on… no more – you’ll have to love before you fuck me. And most important, I’ll have to love you.

So redemption. Forgive all my mistakes, let the water run over me and wash away all the wrongs; and send someone to make right what once went wrong, and make it all better all over again. Give me redemption now, won’t you?