After match…

[…]A lot of time has passed since then. We’ve seen each other several times; maybe trying to relive that one perfect moment – I know I was. Unfortunately, these turned out to be more fiascos, than something to remember. It’s probably because these new feeling I was discovering made be very insecure, while he, on the other hand was becoming more secure. My response was putting up a wall of stone and ice – pretending it was all about the sex, when in fact it wasn’t. And that led to a series of misfortunes…It seemed like every time we’d meet, the little devil in me had to come out and spoil everything. I’d say something bad, which I didn’t even mean, and for which I was sorry the very next second. Unfortunately, some things said cannot be taken back, and apologies won’t fix anything.

We even tried to patch it up once. It didn’t quite work out; I was then in my “cynical” phase, so not in a very loving disposition. Even so, I was always loving towards him – just not enough yet.

And time went on and on. Eventually I’d get over him; but not completely. There was still a little corner of my mind that was always thinking. And whenever I’d get nostalgic over something, the memory of us would always pop up.

There wasn’t one day in my life, ever since, that I didn’t regret the way things were. Now, as I watch back through the looking glass, I find myself thinking more and more about him. I can’t explain to myself – why now? Why not yesterday, tomorrow, one month ago, one year ago? But that’s not important.

What is important is that now I’m realizing what we had; what could’ve been. And I want it; I need it. It might not even be possible to get it back, to get something just as meaningful instead, but I have to try. It has to be at least said.

And I owe it to myself to let him know. Maybe I owe it to him as well. I guess he’s been hurt a lot too; probably even more than I was…