Flashback…

I have no clue what happened… it’s still a bit blurry and mixed up.Last night I finally got a chance to be alone with my one-true-love. I guess it’s just nature’s way of mending things. I spent the last several weeks – let’s make it a month almost, constantly thinking about him, until the whole thing probably reached a climax or something; I know I did – just a couple of night before, I couldn’t even sleep.And it happened. I had meaning to call my friend Aye for a couple of days, cause we haven’t seen each other in a while, and I couldn’t catch her online either. Eventually she answered the damn phone, and I got news of her; everything fine, whatever. So I asked her if she’d talked to Him lately – I know he calls her sometimes – and she innocently says she has… I don’t remember why he called, but anyway.All right, so I’m intrigued. I was at work and I kind of got home a bit late. As I was walking down the street to my flat – there he was again. I’d spoken to him some time before and he asked me to go on a little tour of Europe – sure I was ecstatic: the two of us alone in a hotel room, in a beautiful city even. So I said okay I’d think about it, but my mind is actually made up.

Back to the story, I picked up the phone and called him. What are you doing, how’s life, you know the usual. “Would you like to come over? I don’t feel like spending the night alone”. I guess it was a surprise, cause I felt it in the tone of his voice. And for the sake of convention I had to say that I’m not asking him to come over for that, I just want to hang out. Anyway, he came, as I was sure he would. Actually I had no sex in mind whatsoever. Not with him, I mean. I already know how that is, cause I’ve already had – maybe now it’s time to have the rest, too.

So he came, and it was the same thing. He hadn’t changed a bit; he hasn’t changed a bit. I’m surprised how somebody can be so constant – at least on the outside. The same haircut, the same look on his face… everything was exactly the same. You know, maybe that is why I can’t get over him – he always reminds me of that time.

So we sat around for a bit, mostly talked about the tour we’re supposed to do. I don’t know why that had to be the topic of the evening. I still had a lot of time to notice him, to notice myself – what I was feeling, how everything felt. And it felt good. It’s like we’ve known each other since forever – and that might actually be the case. It was all so cozy, so easy – I could get used to it; and guess what, the flame was still there. Although we didn’t do anything at all the whole time, I was actually dying for a kiss, for a touch, for anything – especially when we’d get closer to each other. I don’t know why, but every time he’s close to me I get that tingly feeling all around.

Then he started unwinding the memories. Talking about how he remembered the flat being roomier back then – there was less furniture, how it’s been four years, and about all the other events. You know, I didn’t remember the date exactly, but I was really surprised when he did – I guess it meant something to him too, didn’t it?

Eventually we got into bed, to sleep. The trip down memory lane kept on going, and eventually I said I was really happy to see him, that I had missed him, etc. And at one point he goes, “so hold me, then”. Obviously the holding had to lead to something more; and it did. It wasn’t really sex – it was more like a long cuddling, which was actually quite enjoyable. Although it wasn’t a remembering of things past, it kind of felt like one. His skin smelled pretty muck like then – I don’t know how, but it’s the first thing that came to me. I discovered his body all over again, remembering how he used to twitch and twirl when I’d lick his torso, when I’d go up his neck, and other little details like those.

Eventually we fell asleep. In the morning, just like all the other times, he let me sleep; didn’t wake me until he had to go. I wish he would’ve waked me sooner – we could have had coffee together or something. We said our goodbyes and he was on his way.

I went to get my coffee, and there I was alone with myself again. I had to consider what had happened. We spent the night together. This time though it wasn’t all passionate and explosive – I guess nothing can equate to the firs time. Still, it was good to be next to him, to cuddle, to talk – I don’t know, it was all-in-all good. The only regret is that I didn’t get a chance to tell him what I wanted to. But I guess I’m the right path; and there’s still time. I did text him later to say that I hadn’t really asked him over for the sex, but that it was an added bonus which was very well received.

As for the rest of it… I still haven’t found my answers. My friends were asking me the next day whether I was satisfied. No, I’m not satisfied. And it’s not a question of satisfaction. My only dissatisfaction is I didn’t say what was on my mind. Other than that, I just got a new confirmation – I do love being with him. But the search for the ultimate answer in this matter is not over – I hope it’s not “far from over”. I guess I could say it’s over when I’d get a final verdict – or when there would be such a series of events that would make me understand, that would let me draw a conclusion. Then again, my problem with verdicts is I can’t accept them unless they’re the ones I want (a bit of borderline personality disorder, right?), so I might endlessly try to change them.

This being said… I guess I’ll have to wait and see what’s next on the timeline. I haven’t found what I was looking for, so I guess I’ll just have to search a bit deeper. Who knows, this might be the place where the treasure has been hidden for all this time…