Resolution

Another week has gone by. Guess I’m still depressed – to say the least. Nothing a bit of alcohol can’t fix; or can it? Guess it doesn’t work like that…

At least I set the record with Zora. She thought I left cause of her. My friends were quick to console me, which was obviously good, even if I kind of felt the need to be by myself a bit. So I get that I kind of made a big mess of things. Apparently Qu was really upset about my leaving. Who would’ve thought? This means I clearly messed it up big time. And I suppose now it’s time to mend it.

I have to tell my version too. And then they all come up with a plan to mend the whole thing. Phase one concerns me. Apparently I don’t take care of myself anymore, which I do not find true at all. I’m not any different than I was four years. Well, I’m definitely thinner. And maybe I changed my attitude a bit – yeah, I’m meaner. Or, I learned to be mean is more like it. But that’s just cause of all the shit I had to put up with. Instead of getting really furious, I just started making fun of everything; it’s easier this way and it does keep you from going crazy. Cynicism is a great protection form getting yourself burnt – “this is what we’ll say”.

Eventually I got my back my good mood; at least on the surface. Still, when I’m alone, he always comes back to haunt me. Eventually I will have to talk to him, that is, we’ll have to talk about all the things we never talked about. Just have to get it all out in the open; the outcome is not really important anymore. I just want him to know. I know we probably can’t have anything – I just want to hear him say he’d want it too. I want him to love me back. Period. That’s all.

Qu didn’t answer my calls. I guess that was to be expected. Says he doesn’t think there’s anything left after this. Thing is, there is. You just have to listen to it. You know, I never cried over men. Ever. Cause there’s plenty of fish in the sea. I’m a bit ashamed to say I never really cared much about them – they were more like a tool I used. All except one – the only one I saw myself loving. The only one who actually meant something. To this day I don’t really know why. I guess that’s probably why I never knew how to act around him.

The past is the past. And no one from my past is present today in my life. Except for him. That’s got to mean something, doesn’t it? Zora said I’m kind of living in the past, that maybe I should move on. And I guess they’re all right. Nonetheless, I’m willing to give this as many shots as it takes, until we get it right.

Guess for now I’ll have to try and mend it with him. In the end, I don’t want anything anymore. I just want him to know how I feel about him; then he can do what he will with that. Maybe that would bring resolution. If we can’t be lovers anymore (were we ever?), we should at least be friends. And I so hate that line. But hey, it’s different this time.

The exam went brilliantly – I aced it. And that served to boost up my confidence a bit. Everything seemed better after that. I guess it’s life’s way of telling me everything’s going to be all right for me. That’s when I realized it was all going to happen – if it won’t be him, it will be someone else. But I wanted it to be him. And that won’t be easy to get over. I tried a little diversion… guess it was good for what it was. But it didn’t fix anything. I guess nothing can fix it just like that.

I always say everything happens for a reason. You have to learn your lesson. And it will keep on repeating itself until you learn it well. We don’t always know what’s right for us. But still, we do get exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

So maybe this was supposed to play out like this. And resolution will come in its own time…