Resolution

Another week has gone by. Guess I’m still depressed – to say the least. Nothing a bit of alcohol can’t fix; or can it? Guess it doesn’t work like that…

At least I set the record with Zora. She thought I left cause of her. My friends were quick to console me, which was obviously good, even if I kind of felt the need to be by myself a bit. So I get that I kind of made a big mess of things. Apparently Qu was really upset about my leaving. Who would’ve thought? This means I clearly messed it up big time. And I suppose now it’s time to mend it.

I have to tell my version too. And then they all come up with a plan to mend the whole thing. Phase one concerns me. Apparently I don’t take care of myself anymore, which I do not find true at all. I’m not any different than I was four years. Well, I’m definitely thinner. And maybe I changed my attitude a bit – yeah, I’m meaner. Or, I learned to be mean is more like it. But that’s just cause of all the shit I had to put up with. Instead of getting really furious, I just started making fun of everything; it’s easier this way and it does keep you from going crazy. Cynicism is a great protection form getting yourself burnt – “this is what we’ll say”.

Eventually I got my back my good mood; at least on the surface. Still, when I’m alone, he always comes back to haunt me. Eventually I will have to talk to him, that is, we’ll have to talk about all the things we never talked about. Just have to get it all out in the open; the outcome is not really important anymore. I just want him to know. I know we probably can’t have anything – I just want to hear him say he’d want it too. I want him to love me back. Period. That’s all.

Qu didn’t answer my calls. I guess that was to be expected. Says he doesn’t think there’s anything left after this. Thing is, there is. You just have to listen to it. You know, I never cried over men. Ever. Cause there’s plenty of fish in the sea. I’m a bit ashamed to say I never really cared much about them – they were more like a tool I used. All except one – the only one I saw myself loving. The only one who actually meant something. To this day I don’t really know why. I guess that’s probably why I never knew how to act around him.

The past is the past. And no one from my past is present today in my life. Except for him. That’s got to mean something, doesn’t it? Zora said I’m kind of living in the past, that maybe I should move on. And I guess they’re all right. Nonetheless, I’m willing to give this as many shots as it takes, until we get it right.

Guess for now I’ll have to try and mend it with him. In the end, I don’t want anything anymore. I just want him to know how I feel about him; then he can do what he will with that. Maybe that would bring resolution. If we can’t be lovers anymore (were we ever?), we should at least be friends. And I so hate that line. But hey, it’s different this time.

The exam went brilliantly – I aced it. And that served to boost up my confidence a bit. Everything seemed better after that. I guess it’s life’s way of telling me everything’s going to be all right for me. That’s when I realized it was all going to happen – if it won’t be him, it will be someone else. But I wanted it to be him. And that won’t be easy to get over. I tried a little diversion… guess it was good for what it was. But it didn’t fix anything. I guess nothing can fix it just like that.

I always say everything happens for a reason. You have to learn your lesson. And it will keep on repeating itself until you learn it well. We don’t always know what’s right for us. But still, we do get exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

So maybe this was supposed to play out like this. And resolution will come in its own time…

Chopin…

It’s very late at night. I finally managed to get a little time for myself. Since I started doing translations, I’m so busy all the time; I barely find time to do anything. And to think I gave up my previous job so that I could have more spare time. But at least it’s lucrative. I’ve made quite a lot of money, now I can easily afford that trip around Europe with my ever beloved darling; unfortunately for me, we can’t go anymore, since he has to go someplace else with work (at first, I understood “pampas”, but it’s France actually – I think). Maybe we’ll go for New Year’s – that ought to be a saga! In the meantime however, I should find a good destination for all that money! Guess who’s getting a new wardrobe? LOLBut let’s get back into the present…It’s late. It’s raining outside. Actually, these last couple of weeks have been kind of moody weather-wise, mostly gloomy. And now it’s even raining, which I don’t particularly mind – it sometimes puts me in pensive state, especially when I’m alone. I’m even listening to Chopin to top it off. This reminds me of when I used to live on the family estate, and every time it would rain, I would take out a book from the library, put on some music, and go read it on the balcony – listening to the rain, the stereo playing, and the book telling the tale, wonderful concert.Chopin was my first love when it comes to music, ever since I started playing the piano. I haven’t played in such a long time… I’m afraid I might have forgotten; I’m even thinking about buying a piano, something electronic I guess – I don’t really have the space to get a real one, nor the time to care for it. Still, playing always gave me comfort. No matter what, no matter how bad, it would always fade away when I’d touch the keys. There’s something magical about the music, about the human mind that can create such a sound.

Still listening to Chopin… He’s had a troubled life, actually – famous yes, but never finding love, being torn by sickness at young age and all that. But the music is absolutely brilliant. It emanates the deepest sensitivity ever – touches the very core of one’s heart, one’s brain. You’ll get the feeling that there is a lot of pain in the world. However, hope resonates all over – and in the end it leaves you knowing that there is justice in the world, and that all will be set right sooner or later.

And that is just how I’m feeling tonight… even though apparently I can’t find the words to express it. I guess I needed the right music to set me right. And one of these days, all will be set right with itself.

Drawing the line

Sunday’s my last day of work. I don’t know whether I’m sad or happy. I guess I’m okay with the decision; it is time to get working on serious business. This was actually my first job and, frankly, the only one I’ve had so far. Actually it all started like a curiosity. I didn’t really need a job, cause mommy and daddy are doing a very good job at supplying my bank account. But one day I thought to myself “Here’s a crazy idea. How about getting a job?” So read the papers a bit, search the net for a couple of days, and there it came, just a couple of weeks later.It was a call center job. For anyone that doesn’t know what that is, it’s where you sit around and talk on the phone – I did surveys, flight bookings and many other things; all in a foreign language. I figured since I knew so many languages, might as well try putting them to good use. Now, the pay was never high – I always used to moan about that. But what I did find was a bunch of amazing people, with whom I became friends soon. Many of them have left; actually, now there are very few of the “old” ones left.It’s been almost two years – it would be two years this October. Tomorrow it will be the last day. I do feel a little sad, cause I am going to miss everybody there. Basically I did spend around half my day with them; and even if it might look like we didn’t have much time to chat, somehow there always was; and I found that some of them were a lot more fascinating than others, with some quite incredible stories. So it was actually quite fascinating from that point of view. That’s what I will miss.On the other hand, I’ve really had it with that kind of work. Actually, it’s not really the work itself, which is actually pretty interesting; it’s more the way that it’s done. I’m one that likes to have a lot of flexibility, lots of options – and although they all promise that in this line of work, it’s actually not exactly like that: you still have to be there at a certain time, and you can’t take a break when you feel like it. Besides, some of the clients are so stupid and annoying… you just have to hang up on them – they can’t be helped.Still, it is the end of an “era”; and the beginning of a new one. I’ve thought a lot about it, and it seems I’ve gotten used to being busy. So I didn’t really see myself just sitting around all day – even if I do have to study really hard this year, so technically I wouldn’t be sitting around. Besides, not asking mommy and daddy for money anymore felt really good – gives you a huge feeling of independence, even if they’re still the ones paying your rent. Just in the nick of time, another possibility popped up: to become a translator. Way better! Now I can stay at home and do the work, no more fuss about being there on time and all that crap – just have to be careful with those deadlines. Apparently, I’m pretty good at this too – that’s what my boss said; and it pays well enough, so what the heck. Guess that’s why I chose a liberal profession after all – you can do it on your own terms, not really depending on anybody.

Tomorrow it’s the last day then. Apparently I’m meant to be luckier in the material life – you probably saw by now that my love life is a kind of mess (really can’t remember if or when it was all tidied up and pretty); I’ve never had trouble getting what I want professionally, and when one door closes (or gets closed by me), another one seems to open just at the right time.

Now, is it really easier to manage the material aspects of life (or am I way too skilled), or is it that I need to work on my social skills (although I can befriend just about anyone, mind you)?

Drawing the line, it’s been mostly good. It seems like such a long time – two years. It’s been a positive experience – good and bad included. But it’s time to move on to more important things now. Soon enough, I’ll have to make something of my life. Well all have to, sooner or later…