Getting over it

Well, just to even the score a little, let’s make this one in english.

Just in case anyone was wondering, my one-true-love/the-one-i-will-never-have/etc. is doing just well. It’s about Qu. I had actually forgot about him since out little incident back in winter. I gues it’s probably not talking about him keeps him away.

Anyways, these days I hear he’s been entertaining (ie. visiting) my best girl-friend (and probably one of his too). Not only that, he’s met another friend of mine who was totally mesmerzied when she saw his picture. Now she want to see his dick, which I have on film, and which is indeed marvellous.

Actually I was talking to Zora about this once. I was bitching about him saying that I’d post it on youtube, and that I actually should, cause the world deserves not be deprived of such beauty. And she said he’d flip if he found out I did that. “Jump off a window” I believe were her words. But hey, I have no reason to do that. I’m just going to keep it cause it’s a memory. And cause that’s how I want to remeber him. No, not naked, or with a hardon! Like he was back then.

So anyways I hear they went out and he did ask about me. So… I guess the little fucker did/does has some sort of feelings for me. And I do for him. But at this point I can’t really say what it is; it’s all kind of blurry. Maybe it’s best if I don’t see him anymore. Eventually I might forget all about him.

So anyways, apparently he said he would’ve wanted to see me too, or something. And of course Katie thought it was great, cause she’s still not off the reconciliation thing – which is never gonna happen. But, do I want to see him? At this moment? Do I still want to? Honestly, no, not really. Yeah, I would like to talk to him and stuff, but it’s not like I really must see him.

And in other word I hear he’s got a boyfriend. Which is not as pretty as I am. Ha! That’s all I wanted to know. See? It don’t get any better than me, dude! Considering this, the rest is totally not important. Just as long as I can walk out of it with my head high.

I wish them all the happiness in the world.

Question Mark

[…] of love, sex, and relationships.
You might be surprised to hear this, but I hate online dating. I just do it because there isn’t another way. You can’t exactly pick them up on in the street; wait… actually you can, but you need big balls and maybe a bit of alcohol on board (I did it, and it worked a couple of times). And don’t even think about the bars/clubs… I have not seen one eligible bachelor there (it’s not that I go often… so maybe it’s my bad; or maybe I need glasses). Anyway, back to online dating… it serves its purpose; you catch a fish, exchange a couple of words and then we’ll see.Now, the problem with these talks it’s that they’re really artificial… quite unnatural. After the usual age talk… the ingrate question usually pops up. So are you top or bottom? What do you like to do in bed? Now this is the part I hate most. I’ve pondered this for quite some time. Am I top or bottom? The answer is I don’t really know – thank god they invented the term “versatile”. I’m a very sexual person. I just like sex, period. This separation in tops or bottoms is a little limiting. I never know what to answer; sometimes I love a nice dick up my ass, while other times I feel like sticking it myself, and other times yet, I want nothing of that sort.

So whenever it gets to this… it’s such a turnoff… you can’t imagine. I’m like “okay, you’re highly likely not to get any”. I mean, I’m gonna do whatever I want anyway… so it’s useless for you to ask in advance. If you have the brain to ask such a question, I already know I should expect a really lame number. It’s like it’s over before it even started. Don’t you dare leave a bit of mystery, just for the sake of a more interesting encounter!

How do you explain such a complex concept as sexuality? I can’t explain it to myself, little less explain it to everyone else. I just go with the flow, like “carpe diem”; at least in this department. I’m beginning to discover that sexuality is actually a function of the higher brain. It takes more than a nice body or a nice face to make me tick.

Being sexual is a state of mind, an attitude. A buddy of mine pointed this out to me when he told me I’m meant “to have sex”. He said after the first time we did it, and I was really puzzled because I had no idea what he meant with that.

I figured it out eventually. Yeah, it’s true… I love it when the whole thing is really erotic; when they’re so good they send shivers down your spine… There’s a certain atmosphere… just the right mix of love and lust; or at least that’s how it should be. Reality check – it’s just very good acting. I had this buddy once… he was really good at that. Each and every time the sex was absolutely fabulous. He knew exactly what to do and when to do it, and the feeling of eroticism was always at the max; I could get off just on that.

Well it must’ve been good acting… because I never even considered the possibility of tender feelings between us. Sure, we’re friends, I respect you, you’re okay; yeah, we fuck on a regular basis, but then we each get back to our lives… so I guess neither of us feels or wants more, right?

Can you call this a relationship? Well, according to a girlfriend of mine you can. We were arguing a while ago about my fucked up sex/love life; about how I kind of messed it up with one of the very few guys I loved, and now I don’t stand a chance with him, cause he knows who I really am. Yeah, right! No, he doesn’t; he only knows what I showed him; and I can always show my soul and relight the flame – but that part is strictly reserved. So anyway… about relationships… that, according to her, was a relationship (she should speak… has sex with her boyfriend two times a year). No way! It’s not like that. It can’t be like that.

Speaking of relationships, this is totally off topic. But since we’re talking about now, might as well say it. I’m not a big fan of the whole drama-type relationship. We’re men. We shouldn’t strive to imitate a heterosexual relationship… it’s just not like that. This is why the top/bottom separation is useless. You can’t have an analogy with a man/woman relationship; no self-respecting male will take up the woman’s role – even if he likes to take it up the ass.

I guess gay relationships are more like a comradeship… we like each other a lot, we spend lots of time together, we get really hot when intimate. I don’t expect you to buy me flowers, nor do you expect me to do that. I don’t need you to shout to the world that you love me, it’s enough you say it to my face; it’s even better when I feel and words have no place – and I’ll answer right back. I don’t expect us to walk hand in hand, unless it’s meant to make a statement, in which case I totally agree. I don’t think I’d like it if you kissed me every time we meet – a handshake, along with a look that’s full of hidden meanings (saying “let’s get the fuck out of here, so we can be alone”) would be much more enticing.

On the other hand, I do expect you to remember my birthday, as I will remember yours. I do want people to turn their head and say we make a beautiful couple. I want you to take me out on the town and show me a good time – you’ll definitely have a good one yourself. I want you to come to me when you’re in trouble, when you need comforting, when you need a shoulder to cry on, when you feel fragile – rest assured I’ll be there for you.

I want to have tender moments, when it’s just the two of us alone. I want us to fall asleep in each other’s arms, and wake up just like that. I want pictures of us holding each other, looking at each other with that look. I want you to always leave me wanting more.

I do want you to be a little jealous, but just a little; I know I’ll be. Go ahead and sleep around all you want; if you come back to me even hungrier than you were, then we’re definitely worth something…

I want to remember you. If we won’t last forever, I want to be able to look back and say it was worth my time…

[…]

Well… that went well… eventually. Okay, this post is a bit messed up… I lost track of the subject. But I do think I’ve captured the (almost) perfect picture of the gay relationship. How does it look? Think it’s possible? It just has to be. I want to believe it is. Even if it’s not going to last forever – nothing really lasts forever.