Redemption

I’m losing it. I’m losing control over my life. This reminds me of the time I gave up sex, dating, and men for a whole year; and it reminds me exactly why I did it. I’m going off balance… and I need to get my balance back. Today, for the first time in my life, I’m ashamed; it’s the first time ever. Promiscuity… a picture from one of Oscar Wilde’s books. I’m one of the noblemen, four hundred years ago, that fooled around with the servants. Only I feel bad about it, my conscience won’t let me sleep tonight, I know it.Today I hooked up with a 20-something guy; he wants to meet. I think I spoke to him some days ago… actually he wanted to hook up the, but I said no. Apparently I had more reason then. This time I go along with it, and I meet him. As it always happens with these hook ups, I’m expecting another big fiasco to add to the never-ending list.So, I finally meet the bastard. Scrawny little one… way shorter than me… kind of skinny… totally unattractive – I would never even consider him if I saw him walking by. So we go into this park… sit around for a bit, smoke a couple of cigarettes. He gets me talking; what’s my story? I lie obviously; not all lies, but still – I can’t speak the truth to someone like him.I’m really fucked up. Hate me, call me fascist, call me whatever you will. I believe in social classes – and I believe they don’t mix. There are just too many boundaries to even consider the thought. Not even my closest friends get me on this – but I’m high class. That’s how it is – I didn’t choose it. Come to think of it, it’s just like being gay – you don’t get to choose it, it just is. It’s just how I grew up. And it’s my own accomplishment that despite all that I’m just normal; I act normal – I’m just like the other kids. I’ll mingle with anyone, I’ll talk to anyone; hey, I’ll even have sex with anyone. But they will never enter my life – unless I find them at my cultural/social level. Don’t get me wrong. I grew up in the country… so I had a pretty simple life. But a prince’s life nonetheless… privileged – that would be the best word. And I’m not talking about money – I never even considered money, although I never missed them; I’m talking about education, about culture, about morals. Of course, being a homosexual man first of all, I’ve had to adapt everything to my personal experience.

Back to the story… Eventually he decides I’m safe, I guess. And we start walking again… and eventually get to an apartment building. We go in, nothing wrong. We get into the elevator, the elevator starts going up – nothing wrong. At one point he stops the elevator and starts kissing me – nothing wrong till here, it’s happened before. The kissing is starting to last an awful long time… and I’m starting to get some questions in my head. Eventually he unbuttons my pants, and takes it out; takes out his as well. Starts jacking me off, I do the same. I’m impressed; but not in a good way. Still, I go along with it; can’t figure out why, not yet. This lasts for a while… I’m aroused – naturally; he’s not a physical freak, so I don’t really have a problem with him touching me. He gets down sucking it… I’m obviously even more aroused; he’s even good at sucking it. I feel obligated to respond – I do it for a couple of moments. Not longer, I can’t. By this time the disgust has reached a climax. The whole thing lasted about 20 minutes I think – I sucked his dick for about two minutes, in total; I couldn’t do more.

At one point he sticks his dick between my legs. Short as he is… it’s just right to tickle me in just the right spot; so I show a grin of pleasure. So the damn bastard thinks I want him to fuck me. Right! Like I’m going to let so scrawny punk, that I just met, fuck me in a dirty elevator?!? A bit later… my conscience is almost getting the best of me. I really want to get this over with it and get the fuck out of there. He turns around hinting me he wants me to fuck him. “You crazy? Without a condom? Get the fuck out?”. “You didn’t bring a condom?” I think to myself “Right! Like I knew I was going to have sex in an elevator?!?”. Well, eventually the whole thing comes to an end, and not a moment too soon. I don’t think I would have handled any more.

We manage to sneak out of the building and he walks me to the subway. Naturally, on the way, he asks what I think about it, about him, who the hell knows what he meant. All I can say is “it was very interesting”. Thank god the subway is near and I lose him quickly. Finally alone… the psychosis rears its ugly head all over again. I feel his smell on my skin, I feel myself smelling like dick, like sex, like something dirty. I rush home; thank god I’m alone; jump into the shower and stand under the water.

Let the water wash away all my sins, all the bad memories, all my mistakes. If I wasn’t so strong and well adjusted, I would have cried. I wanted to cry; I want to cry. I want to roll up in the tub, under the shower, and cry. Instead I call up my best friend – and tell her everything. She’s like… “Big deal, you went to get your dick sucked in an elevator. What’s your problem?” And she’s right; technically it’s true – that’s exactly what I did.

Still I can’t help but feel dirty, think less of myself. That is not who I am – it’s what I told my friend. It was a mistake, and the worst part is that I don’t know why I went along with it. Do I have a problem? An issue? I once read a quote on homosexuality that said something about how two men having sex in a dark alley in the middle of the night is about affirming their masculinity or something like that. Let me tell you I felt no such thing.

So… the conclusion? My god, I really don’t know what to say on this one. It’s just made me realize. I want love. It might sound corny, old-fashioned, and melodramatic even. But I want it, it doesn’t matter. I want to tell him I love him, I want just one good person; and he’ll be enough. Also, in other words… I will never let anyone fuck me again. Not that I’ve let many people so far. But from now on… no more – you’ll have to love before you fuck me. And most important, I’ll have to love you.

So redemption. Forgive all my mistakes, let the water run over me and wash away all the wrongs; and send someone to make right what once went wrong, and make it all better all over again. Give me redemption now, won’t you?

Psychotropic

Psychotropics are a class of drugs that act on the central nervous system, particularly on the psychic… just think of recreational drugs, you’ll get the picture. Now, why this reference?Well, I have a problem; one that I didn’t have before. I used to think you could have with just about anybody; if you close your eyes and don’t think about it… imagine you’re with someone you really want. I mean, your dick doesn’t have eyes… it just feels… so one mouth or hand or whatever feels just like any other. Yeah, it’s true; but your dates, even the most casual ones, won’t limit themselves just to that. They will also want to kiss you, etc… And that’s all fine. Actually, it’s better if they do, isn’t it?Let me tell you a story. Some time ago, I hooked up with this guy…. on the internet, obviously. So, the bastard looks okay in the pictures, looks okay even in person. Actually he was quite fine… gorgeous ass, amazing dick too. Problem is his skin was way darker in reality that in the pictures – damn cameras! Imagine my surprise. I mean, it was really dark… So what to do? My first thought was he’s gypsy… so let’s get the fuck out of here (don’t throw any stones, I just don’t like them… always have the feeling they’re hustlers or something and I should watch my pockets). But this one didn’t have the features, so I say what the hell, let’s go ahead with it; I can always quit anytime I want. Okay, so heading for his place I study him a little better… still don’t know what to make of it. Definitely not gypsy, maybe Indian or something; so let’s see where this is going.In the elevator, obviously, jumps me. LOL. Man, it hit me like lightning. His skin smelled really, but really strange. Wasn’t really a foul odor, just a really strange one, and I didn’t like it. But, the bastard was a really good kisser, and I’m always a sucker for good action. So what the heck, let’s try and ignore it… I only feel it when he gets really close. Maybe it was his hair… was one of those really thick and black types of hair… didn’t have any on his body, though. Lucky me I can hold my breath for quite a while… so problem solved. Let’s enjoy… I’m sure I won’t mind him sucking my dick… and dicks usually smell the same, right? Eventually we get to the action. Now, what a big disappointment that was! Apart from the really good kissing, and the great dick (which by the way smelled just fine, thank god), the rest was pitiful. It was like… he had no idea how to suck dick; just when he was almost getting it right, the damn bastard would stop… go figure! Right, I guess we don’t have a winner this time. Maybe the fucking is better? Yeah, right! “It” started humping like a… I don’t even know what to call it. Anyway, it was really unpleasant, to say the least… so that didn’t go right either. So after about half an hour I’m thinking “it’s enough. Get it over with, already”. So I finish myself quickly… he tried to help, but he was making it worse instead. Then I smoked my cigarette, hung around another ten minutes and left in a big hurry… the whole thing didn’t last more than an hour and half (thank god it was close to home). Needless to say I spent half an hour scrubbing myself with the iron brush… peeling off several layers of skin. I was under the terrible impression (psychosis obviously) that I had his smell on my skin.

Another story… this one happened a few weeks later. I had just come back from a business trip, and I was kind of horny. So let’s try something… I hooked up with this 30-something guy, which wasn’t really bad; at least not dressed. Okay, let’s get dissing right away. I have a very good taste for fashion… so was totally disimpressed with his choice of clothes (okay, I get it you’re 30+, but still). And the mouth! Okay, my teeth aren’t perfect (I’m just so afraid of the dentist), but at least they’re clean and, on a date, always smell good. He had really ugly teeth… but since I don’t know that much about how teeth age, I figured it’s more or less a consequence of aging. Later in the day I also saw him naked… but I’m not even going to get into that… I’ll just say I didn’t like it at all.

Right… well let’s comment a bit at this point. I’ll just start by saying I really needed it; and since no one was available… well grab the first innocent victim. It’s totally against my policy to date people out of the age range, but I’ll try almost anything once. Furthermore, the man was actually very cultured, etc… quite accomplished I have to say; a thing that is worth admiring (too bad for all the rest, huh?).

We went for a drink first, and afterwards it was clear in my head there would be no sex. Then he says let’s visit a friend of his that lives nearby. Ooooh! It’s getting kind of heavy, isn’t it? Against all better judgment, I agree. By this time I’m thinking “okay, he definitely wants a threesome, but he’s going to get one hell of a surprise”. Right. The friend was as huge as a cow. Quite pleasant otherwise, pretty even, but hugeness is definitely a deal-breaker. Needless to say I was really embarrassed and uncomfortable, but I always act so good, no one seems to notice. So we have coffee… blah blah blah…

Eventually he gets kissing me… Man! This one’s the worst ever! The very second I felt his breath I got the shivers… but being the gentle person that I am (it’s a really bad attitude, you know) I just turned away; trying to hint him I ain’t enjoying it. So I pretty much solved this problem… good. And I went along for a bit… I mean, I had two people worshiping my dear little ol’ body… felt pretty good actually. They got around to cuddling Little John, which is always nice… but apparently he didn’t like it all that much, seen as he kind of refused to come out for play.

Okay, I’m going to cut it short… because it was actually pretty boring. The fondling part lasted a couple of hours, with me being constantly reluctant to a more active role. I’d just lie there, and made sure they didn’t overstep the line. After a while I got bored and left. I forgot to say I didn’t like this one’s skin odor either. So when I got home, I did the iron brush sequence all over again… obviously.

Conclusions…

I used to think sex was no big deal… and you could enjoy it with just about anybody. I mean, it doesn’t really matter who’s sucking your dick… it still feels good. In the meantime however, it seems I’ve acquired a very fine discriminatory sense… now it has to be really good just to be able to call it enjoyable. Since I’ve had guys that really knew how to make it absolutely amazing (and they were amazing too), I now expect everyone to be more or less along those lines. But unfortunately that happens quite rarely. Nevertheless, one has to keep on trying, if for no other reason than blowing off some steam. Too bad sometimes you end feeling worse than before…

Resuming… about psychotropism. It is said that sexuality in the male is more genital than cerebral (opposite women), and I used to think it’s even more so in gay men. Surprise, surprise! It’s so not true; at least for me. The psyche plays a really important part (so I’ve learned). Let’s start by explaining that attraction is actually sexual – I dare anyone to challenge that. Its ultimate purpose is achieving sexual intimacy, right? You meet someone, you hit off… seems only natural to end up in bed. Well, at least for me, attraction is made up of many little pieces that fit together in a bigger picture; if they don’t fit, Houston we have a problem.

I want to be totally honest – physique is usually the first thing I notice. So if that’s not okay, needless to say the rest is futile. It’s not like I’m expecting Mr. Universe (unless I was myself Mr. Universe), but still I ain’t ever gonna like The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Then, it’s the overall appearance. Call me shallow, but I’m one that values self grooming – so obviously one that is neatly polished will leave a mark. And last but not least in the physical department – the smell. I love fragrances… and all my friends know I love to smell nice. Smell is really important – definitely a deal-breaker. There’s nothing more arousing than a fine fragrances mixed with male pheromones – that will definitely drive me crazy. I love it on myself; I should love it on others.

In conclusion… the essence of psychotropism is basically the effect that various parts of people have on us. I’m getting pretty good at knowing what doesn’t work for me. I’ve already found out what makes me tick… so I guess I needed a few bad examples.

But no more!

Finally, a new resolution comes out of all this crap. Keeping in mind that “curiosity killed the cat”, we should try getting to know people a bit before jumping at the action. This one sounds really cliché, doesn’t it? But… it’s true. Okay, let’s rephrase it a little. I know the idea of a one night stand is appealing… I know it is to me… most of the times anyway. But if you’re going to have a one night stand… you should make absolutely sure it’s a freaking good one!

Hopefully another lesson learned.